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bees, girlfriends, taxes, self-harm, huh this went directions 

I love it when the bees are persistently interested in my body :blobblush: I know it's just the flower candy scents and colours I wear all the time but it makes me feel like the witch queen of sweetness.

I'm still getting bees on the late flush of flowers I encouraged my girls to blossom, but compared to summer the balcony is a lot less lively without all the insects, which kinda parallels how empty the house feel with a mere 4 people plus occasional lovers, compared to last year where a typical week had more dates than weekdays.

for some time now what holds me back isn't just the polycule splitups—I know how to flirt and where, I could be luring in a few more bees myself—it's more like, I feel exhausted all the time and don't do fun things anymore. it's hard to go to the club when what I look forward in the weekend is finally having time to take out the trash or file taxes. also the "ongoing criminalisation will block your permanent visa" thing is kinda stressful tbh. sexuality for me is kind of a mental health indicator, the better I'm doing the hornier I get. I haven't seduced anyone new since June.

someone remarked the other day, "so you're saying overworking is a type of self-harm?" and I was like, raise finger, open mouth, close mouth meme. the one difference is, contrary to cutting, it increases your social standing, so if you feel threatened it feels like a type of comforting compensation. in related news, I got that raise.

last night I started making a list of things I used to do all the time and I miss: 

- saying good morning to a stranger in a hostel lobby then when you realise it you've talked to her for three hours.

- walking into a club/political event/squat without a place to stay and charm someone into finding me a bed.

- the feeling of spirit possession, the way she envelops your body almost like but just short of being touched everywhere all the time.

- doing t4t porn online.

- feeling like I can allow myself to get lost in a book.

- the feeling of a tattoo needle. sigh.

- feeling like I can allow myself to dance all night at the lesbian pub.

- shouting insults at nazis, getting exactly what makes them tick then getting under their skin.

- the pageantry of my religion. people drawing primeval trident glyphs, pouring sulfur over me, my dress dancing upwards in the blazing air from the burning circle, she fanning herself looking at me with a queenly smile as shamans growl and shout around me.

- the way it feels when you make a nazi so uncomfortable by sheer towering hostility that they duckgoose storm away from the train cart or square or platform.

- public speaking.

- my ghosts/hallucinations/whatever. that one ghost gf I could touch. crazy stuff generally.

- actively doing gender, the way it feels like transhumanist hacking of oneself. never being without nail polish, never missing makeup, being up-to-date with laser, wrestling the cistem into my next surgery, the feeling of progress at all times.

- dancing in a skill sense, as in trying to learn this or that style, or JD choreo.

- talking to some random stranger at a fair or plenum or something and somehow they feel compelled to open up about some emotional bad time they're having and I listen and place a few good words at the right parts and they thank me in a voice-shaky way that makes me confident I did something good.

- the way you lose track of time in derby, how at some point the challenge of mastering the next trick fades into pure enjoyment of skating at all.

- bluffing and feinting and mind-gaming and then punching someone right in the face in muay thai.

- philosophy anarchist catgirl. seductress unicorn catgirl. catgirl maker. femboy e-girl comrade. voodoogirl. amazigh comrade. enby mom. shaman bf. several others I should avoid even indirect references. I miss every, single, one, of my exes, both the exes-exes, and the people that life just drifted apart.

- standing between the cops and people at demos, being an anonymous, black-clad human shield.

- long plural conversations.

- videogames

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